i should be sleeping...

it's been a while...again...

2009-09-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

wow! so much has changed since my last post! when we last met i was lamenting about being alone forever and now here we are, 6 weeks away from my wedding or commitment ceremony or whatever you want to call it! :) i guess it's true about what they say...you find what you need when you least expect it. for us, it was a mutual friend saying "i know someone you should meet, i think you'd really like her" and that was it. the emails started, a road trip happened, long distance dating, a speedy engagement, one relocation and here we are. i'm living out of california for the first time in my life and i love it. oregon has fed my soul and reminded me there is more to life than 15 hour work days and the blinking urgency of the red light on my blackberry. i'm out in nature more, reconnecting with family, making new friends, and figuring out who i am again. and loving her...always loving her...

it's been a while...

2008-01-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

...since i've been here. reading my last post makes me sad because it reminds me of everything that isn't there anymore and of all of the things that seem so far away. i know it'll be there again someday but right now it feels like i'll be alone forever.

some part of me likes that idea. of never having to consider anyone else. doing strictly what makes me happy when i want to. i've even considered the idea of having a baby on my own and been sort of thrilled about picking a name only i like it and raising him or her however i choose.

but the other part wants someone there to go through the new baby craziness with. to rub my back when i don't feel well. and someone to stay in pajamas with on a sunday while time passes making breakfast and sharing sections of the paper. and someone to call first when some thing really exciting happens in my life. they don't have to be perfect...they just have to be perfect for me.

a night like tonight...

2006-09-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

...has been perfect. just what i needed. i came home and changed out of my work clothes. played with the cats and then took a brief nap. went and met my bff for some very tasty philly cheese steak. they truly lived up to the hype she gave them and the best part is they're about a 10 minute walk from my new digs! after dinner we went to starbucks and grabbed some coffee and played scrabble. i'm fairly certain it's against the rules to swap letters so we could each make the words we needed but whatever...with words like "half-a-cot" and "pee" coming out of the game, who wouldn't cheat?? :) now i'm home...i'm watching princess bride and doing a load of laundry. the air is cool and comfortable. it feels like fall and i love that. just waiting for my baby to get home. home...our home...i like the sound of that. :) a night like tonight has been perfect. just what i needed.

it's amazing...

2005-08-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

it's amazing to me how a few words, a simple sentence, can change so many things. those words can change weekend plans. they can cause a whole analysis of issues that when dealt with alone are manageable, but when put together are overwhelming. those words can change something between two people that was moving along at a nice pace into something to be cautious about. a few words...a simple sentence. words spoken that were intended to share some truth about this persons life. whose purpose it was hoped would help convey a lack of knowledge but a willingness to learn and an eagerness to please.

words that sometimes now cause regret for them having been uttered. because it seems things would have been very different had that simple sentence been kept for another day.

and so i'm left not knowing what to say. emails that flowed easily from my finger tips now leave me hunting and pecking at the keyboard, looking for the right words. invitations that were once accepted quickly with excitement now go unanswered. small talk has taken the place of flirty teasing and in depth questions about each others lives. i'm left wondering what the definition of casual dating really is and what can i say that won't cross the line.

a few words, a simple sentence. if only it had been kept for another day.

sorry i haven't posted in a while...

2005-08-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

...i've been dating. and she's really great! yay!

another one bites the dust...

2005-07-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

...otherwise known as "jumping in with both feet wasn't such a good idea..."

as probably obvious from my previous post about rejoining the match.com world, things with this chica i was "dating" didn't work out. the ex-girl in her world popped up...there was talk of getting back together...suddenly calls go unreturned and emails unanswered.

i'm taking a break. i suck at this dating thing. everyone keeps telling me, "quit looking and you'll find what you've been looking for"...

maybe i should try that....

this girl needs a date!

2005-07-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

...which leads me to the question: should i give match.com another try? i've subscribed before..done the profile and the whole nine yards. and to be honest, aside from a cool new friend, it hasn't brought me much more than a bunch of mixed feelings and a bruised heart. sure, there were some good first dates...some really hot kisses...and one memorable trip to palm desert. but do these few examples make signing up again worth it? well, i can weigh membership against my alternate options for getting a date...which would be....ummmm...none. neither work or school lend themselves to my meeting someone and those two things are pretty much all i have time for right now...

so, wise blog readers (all 2 of you), what is this cute little lesbian to do? do i jump back onto the information highway of love or have patience (ha!), not push the issue, and wait for someone right to come along? so apparently along with a date, this girl needs some guidance... :)

crazy work conversations (or why i love working with family!)

2005-07-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

...as she sits down in her chair my coworker/cousin says... "dang! i know what i was going to ask you to get for me when you went to the store...i remember now that i'm having problems with my crack!"

i wasn't paying attention to what she'd said...i was probably doing something really important like checking my personal email or to see who was logged onto myspace. all i heard was "problems with my crack!" and my third grade mentality kicked in. i started laughing as she says... "shut up! i was talking about my chair. the wheel just rolled into the crack in my chair mat!"

i'm going to miss her when i move to the cube farm in two weeks... :)

i've always wanted to be a mermaid princess...

2005-07-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

...thanks maddie!

i had coffee with my friend jami this morning and she brought her daughter madison. jami and i used to work together and hung out all the time but when i left the job i like to refer to as hell on earth, she and i sort of lost touch. she's a busy business professional, wife and mother to a very precocious 8 year old. so when she showed up for coffee this morning with maddie i knew things were going to be fun. :) jami and i sat rapidly talking...telling the condensed versions of stories...trying to catch up on everything that had been going on with each of us in the last 3 months. maddie had brought her hello kitty notebook and as we talked, she was rapidly writing. after about a 15 minutes she tapped jami on the shoulder and presented her with a story she'd written. the story involved two mermaids...aptly named jami and shannon. they were hanging out under the sea..playing in the wreakage and talking. one day they got in a fight because they couldn't decide who had to stay just a mermaid and who got to be the mermaid princess. her story continued on...describing the fight and what words were exchanged. ultimately it was decided that since they were both just cool mermaids, neither better than the other, they could BOTH be mermaid princesses and so they were and they stayed friends forever, ruling under the sea.

i don't know why i liked her story so much. but i keep thinking about it as i go through the rest of my day. maybe it's because an 8 year old can see so clearly what so many adults have trouble realizing. that all people are just people...nobody better than the other. it's as simple as that. if everyone could just approach each other with the understanding that the person in front of you is dealing with their own crap and comes from their own life experiences maybe we wouldn't all be so quick to judge or categorize. maybe we could all be mermaid princesses.

jumping in with both feet...

2005-06-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

...i'm dating someone new...i'm really excited! as kristin says..."i have a good feeling about her..." she's really smart...SO funny...sexy...athletic...caring...affectionate...she's one of those people that draws you in the minute you meet them...you know the kind..confident, always know the perfect thing to say at the perfect time. when i am with her she makes me feel like i am the only thing that matters. i find myself thinking about her all the time...things people say remind me of a funny story she told. i'm distracted when i'm driving...thinking about a look she gave me or our last kiss. trying to concentrate on school is a joke! i've never felt this way about anyone before...not even the girl in the desert...imagine that. we started out quickly (4 dates in 5 days) and now things have gone to a more normal pace. i would love to see her more often...i would love to be her girlfriend...i would love to jump into this with both feet and see where i land...i would love for her to want to do the same. but i'm still trying to figure out where she is with everything and while i know that she really likes me, i don't want to babble on to her about how i'm feeling and get a weird reaction. but oh how great it would be if the reaction was her agreeing with me completely. :)

nothing at all

2005-06-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

“and I’m afraid, and I can’t breath,
and I’m in love with you
but you are not with me
and I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

Time passes by while I wait for your call
Time passes by; I hear nothing at all”

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I was in love with her but sometimes hearing this part of this song by rachael yamagata it feels like she is singing me about the girl in the desert. There were hours and hours of conversation. We’d talked so much about what we both were looking for…how we were so excited to have each found someone that understood our quirks and got our sense of humor. There was SO much laughing and flirting and excitement about getting to know each other even better. And the one visit: the night that was exactly as I wanted it to be and the morning that was even better. But I had to come home. And everything changed. And then there was nothing. A few text messages were exchanged and now someone I was so sure was interested in me won’t call. Words spoken with so much promise, “you’re amazing”…“pretty girl”…”it feels so good to hold you”…are replaced with the words intended to be a goodbye… “I’ve been meaning to call”… “things have just been really shitty right now.” Maybe I expected too much…maybe I read into the simple sentences that I thought had straightforward meanings…maybe things truly are really shitty for her right now. But she won’t call me and I’m left wondering…I’m left with nothing at all.

just one of those days...

2005-05-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

...typically everything in my life is pretty balanced. i'm busy but everything has its place and i'm able to juggle school, working, social life and everything else. but there are those days, like today, that just pop up from out of nowhere and blind side me. the days where i'm not satisfied. i'm lost...frustrated...inpatient...a sobbing mess. where everything i've pushed to the side to deal with later comes to the forefront and demands to be dealt with right then. it's the days where every rational thought flees from my mind and i indulge all of the negativity. on a good day i know that i have a lot to be proud of...people that love me...a bright future. but in the dark days i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...i can't figure out what i'm working so hard for...i don't feel like i have anything to show, to offer. days like today i feel like the most unaccomplished person alive and i'm tired of struggling. days like today i just want to lay down and wait for tomorrow.

some old friends...some new friends and a great sunday...

2005-05-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

...was how my weekend went! spent time with t & j on friday...went to our old stand by...soup plantation...for dinner and then went back to the house and watched ellen stand up dvd's...it was exactly the relaxing night i needed. i hadn't seen them in a really long time and it was really nice to catch up and just talk smack.

the flame was interesting...i spent more time talking to the other people that my internet friend brought than her but it was fun. actually knew one of the friends from a book club event i'd gone to a couple of times. we spent time talking and dancing and drinking. it was nice to meet new people and laugh!

and then sunday! picked up my dad and v in the morning and we spent time walking around a really cool farmers market. we looked at jewlery...flowers...listened to music and checked out where all of the tasty smells were coming from. bought a few things and walked to baja bettys for lunch. V loved it! she got great mexican food, margaritas, a tiara, her picture taken with said tiara, plenty of gay boys fawning over her and offering her flowers! she was so excited and it was really fun to see. :) we walked around hillcrest and went shopping at buffalo exchange and babette schwartz. she was definately in her element and it was a really fun day. as we were leaving she asked me when we were going back. :) i think even though she won't admit it, she's excited that my mom isn't here because she'll get to spend more time with me. she's usually up for anything and fun to be with so i'm looking forward to the bonding. :)

im house-sitting this week(end)...

2005-05-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

...and i love wireless internet! it SO beats logging onto my computer every night hoping i can pick up someone elses connection. it's nice to just turn on my computer and viola! internet!

this weekend i should be studying for my real estate law final that is tuesday. but any one who knows me, knows i don't do anything until the last minute. i tell myself i work better under pressure...yea...that's it. instead of studying, i went to dinner and spent time with friends last night...tonight i'm going to the flame with some more friends...tomorrow is mothers day and i'm spending time with my stepmom and dad. we are going to the farmers market and then having lunch at baja betty's...where for mothers day they are giving away tiaras for the moms and we'll have tasty margaritas! :) i'm so excited!

tonights outing promises to be full of new experiences, which apparently is the theme in my life lately! i've been friends with a girl that i met on the internet for a little over a year. the weird part is that we've never talked on the phone and never met in person. we've emailed each other pretty consistently over the year...been supportive of each other through crappy jobs, lost jobs, disappointments, relationship drama, life excitements...just everything we've gone through. she's always a supportive, objective voice whenever i'm trying to figure something out in life and i think i've been the same for her. we just never seemed to have the opportunity to get together. so tonight she's meeting some friends at the flame and she invited me. and i'm going. so besides the new experience of meeting like 6 people i don't know, i'm going to a lesbian bar for the first time since i came out. i'm a little nervous but i think it should be fun. i almost came up with some excuse not to go but when i sat down and thought about it i figured it was time to meet new people. my sister and mom are gone and now my best friend is moving to orange county. i can't just sit around...i need to get out there and meet new people. johnna is going with me for support :) and i think it should be fun! we'll see!

okay so when i said...

2005-05-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

...that maybe there were great things out there that i was intended to accomplish after all this change i didn't quite mean right now! not sure why i did it now since i have 2 months left of my paralegal program but i applied for what is seemingly my dream job...only problem...it's in palm desert. it's working with a non-profit organization that provides services to women who have dealt with or are dealing with issues of domestic violence. one of the services they provide is legal assistance through their legal clinic and this is where i come in. they have a a paralegal/legal secretary position open that i am really interested in. it combines my degree in women's studies with my paralegal program. it represents all of my classes and volunteering and my ultimate goal when i started this crazy journey! the position was originally posted on march 21st. assuming that so much time had passed since the original posting, i figured it would for sure be filled and i was just sending my resume for their files and for positions possibly available in the future. i got a call today from the director of their legal clinic and she wants me to come out for an interview. an interview. just my luck that, like the girl, exactly what i want is so far away. and so ill timed. i mentioned my paralegal program still having two more months til completion and she said they were really looking for someone right away and could i adjust my program. i'm still going to go to the interview and see how things go. maybe they can wait for me...maybe something can be worked out...because i really want this job...but two months from now...

starting over...

2005-05-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

...it's just as the title says...i'm starting over. it seems like every aspect of my life lately is at that point. i think i've gone through more changes in the past few months of 2005 than i did all of last year. i got a new job in january, i quit said new job in march, my parents sold my childhood home in march and moved to south dakota in april, my sister, brother in law, and niece left yesterday to follow the parents to south dakota, i came out to some friends and some family (well and now the entire internet), i joined the gym, i got a new job, i kissed a girl, my best friend and her husband are moving to orange county...and it's only the beginning of may! the next few months don't promise any sort of break for me either...the summer months will bring a completed paralegal program, a "real" career...possibly a new city will come with the "real" career...everything is so up in the air. i go back and forth between being really excited and really depressed. i feel like everything i'm comfortable with, all of my core people, has/have left me or will be soon. for someone that has always felt so independant, lately i've been feeling like the neediest person alive. i suppose i just feel like i could always accomplish anything with my mom or sister or best friend around and while i'm aware of the fact that they are only as far the other end of the phone or email, it just isn't the same. i can't just drop by for sleepy sunday mornings...going for donuts in our pajamas..arguing about who has to get out of the car..lounging around moms place, reading the paper and laughing...always laughing.

but maybe it's all for a reason...maybe there are some incredible things out there for me to accomplish and their leaving is just freeing me up for that. i won't be as apprehensive to leave because that same group isn't there anymore. i'm not leaving anyone behind...just moving on to something new. and new is good, right?