it's been a while...

...since i've been here. reading my last post makes me sad because it reminds me of everything that isn't there anymore and of all of the things that seem so far away. i know it'll be there again someday but right now it feels like i'll be alone forever.

some part of me likes that idea. of never having to consider anyone else. doing strictly what makes me happy when i want to. i've even considered the idea of having a baby on my own and been sort of thrilled about picking a name only i like it and raising him or her however i choose.

but the other part wants someone there to go through the new baby craziness with. to rub my back when i don't feel well. and someone to stay in pajamas with on a sunday while time passes making breakfast and sharing sections of the paper. and someone to call first when some thing really exciting happens in my life. they don't have to be perfect...they just have to be perfect for me.

a night like tonight...

...has been perfect. just what i needed. i came home and changed out of my work clothes. played with the cats and then took a brief nap. went and met my bff for some very tasty philly cheese steak. they truly lived up to the hype she gave them and the best part is they're about a 10 minute walk from my new digs! after dinner we went to starbucks and grabbed some coffee and played scrabble. i'm fairly certain it's against the rules to swap letters so we could each make the words we needed but whatever...with words like "half-a-cot" and "pee" coming out of the game, who wouldn't cheat?? :) now i'm home...i'm watching princess bride and doing a load of laundry. the air is cool and comfortable. it feels like fall and i love that. just waiting for my baby to get home. home...our home...i like the sound of that. :) a night like tonight has been perfect. just what i needed.

it's amazing...

it's amazing to me how a few words, a simple sentence, can change so many things. those words can change weekend plans. they can cause a whole analysis of issues that when dealt with alone are manageable, but when put together are overwhelming. those words can change something between two people that was moving along at a nice pace into something to be cautious about. a few words...a simple sentence. words spoken that were intended to share some truth about this persons life. whose purpose it was hoped would help convey a lack of knowledge but a willingness to learn and an eagerness to please.

words that sometimes now cause regret for them having been uttered. because it seems things would have been very different had that simple sentence been kept for another day.

and so i'm left not knowing what to say. emails that flowed easily from my finger tips now leave me hunting and pecking at the keyboard, looking for the right words. invitations that were once accepted quickly with excitement now go unanswered. small talk has taken the place of flirty teasing and in depth questions about each others lives. i'm left wondering what the definition of casual dating really is and what can i say that won't cross the line.

a few words, a simple sentence. if only it had been kept for another day.

sorry i haven't posted in a while...

...i've been dating. and she's really great! yay!

another one bites the dust...

...otherwise known as "jumping in with both feet wasn't such a good idea..."

as probably obvious from my previous post about rejoining the match.com world, things with this chica i was "dating" didn't work out. the ex-girl in her world popped up...there was talk of getting back together...suddenly calls go unreturned and emails unanswered.

i'm taking a break. i suck at this dating thing. everyone keeps telling me, "quit looking and you'll find what you've been looking for"...

maybe i should try that....

this girl needs a date!

...which leads me to the question: should i give match.com another try? i've subscribed before..done the profile and the whole nine yards. and to be honest, aside from a cool new friend, it hasn't brought me much more than a bunch of mixed feelings and a bruised heart. sure, there were some good first dates...some really hot kisses...and one memorable trip to palm desert. but do these few examples make signing up again worth it? well, i can weigh membership against my alternate options for getting a date...which would be....ummmm...none. neither work or school lend themselves to my meeting someone and those two things are pretty much all i have time for right now...

so, wise blog readers (all 2 of you), what is this cute little lesbian to do? do i jump back onto the information highway of love or have patience (ha!), not push the issue, and wait for someone right to come along? so apparently along with a date, this girl needs some guidance... :)

crazy work conversations (or why i love working with family!)

...as she sits down in her chair my coworker/cousin says... "dang! i know what i was going to ask you to get for me when you went to the store...i remember now that i'm having problems with my crack!"

i wasn't paying attention to what she'd said...i was probably doing something really important like checking my personal email or to see who was logged onto myspace. all i heard was "problems with my crack!" and my third grade mentality kicked in. i started laughing as she says... "shut up! i was talking about my chair. the wheel just rolled into the crack in my chair mat!"

i'm going to miss her when i move to the cube farm in two weeks... :)

i've always wanted to be a mermaid princess...

...thanks maddie!

i had coffee with my friend jami this morning and she brought her daughter madison. jami and i used to work together and hung out all the time but when i left the job i like to refer to as hell on earth, she and i sort of lost touch. she's a busy business professional, wife and mother to a very precocious 8 year old. so when she showed up for coffee this morning with maddie i knew things were going to be fun. :) jami and i sat rapidly talking...telling the condensed versions of stories...trying to catch up on everything that had been going on with each of us in the last 3 months. maddie had brought her hello kitty notebook and as we talked, she was rapidly writing. after about a 15 minutes she tapped jami on the shoulder and presented her with a story she'd written. the story involved two mermaids...aptly named jami and shannon. they were hanging out under the sea..playing in the wreakage and talking. one day they got in a fight because they couldn't decide who had to stay just a mermaid and who got to be the mermaid princess. her story continued on...describing the fight and what words were exchanged. ultimately it was decided that since they were both just cool mermaids, neither better than the other, they could BOTH be mermaid princesses and so they were and they stayed friends forever, ruling under the sea.

i don't know why i liked her story so much. but i keep thinking about it as i go through the rest of my day. maybe it's because an 8 year old can see so clearly what so many adults have trouble realizing. that all people are just people...nobody better than the other. it's as simple as that. if everyone could just approach each other with the understanding that the person in front of you is dealing with their own crap and comes from their own life experiences maybe we wouldn't all be so quick to judge or categorize. maybe we could all be mermaid princesses.